Hi Reader,

"Wife?"

In my first client call after getting married, I referred to "my wife". Until then, I had always said "my partner".

I used to tell myself that was the word for professional settings. Neutral. Safe. No risk of weird looks or noticeable pauses. Now I notice that wasn't quite true. With some clients I did say "her". With others I didn't. I read the room each time and chose the option that didn't risk judgement, or a change in how they saw me.

So when I said "my wife", I noticed it. And so did they.

"Wife?" they repeated, checking whether they'd heard me correctly.

I expected some kind of reaction. What I didn't expect was a genuine smile and: "Thank you for your trust."

My first thought was that they had read too much into it. They hadn't. There was something to disclose, and they noticed it -maybe even before I did.

The conversation changed after that: It felt like a dance where both of us finally dropped into the music.

How much energy do we spend managing other people's perception of our professionalism?

We choose the neutral word. We keep the personal detail out. We refer to "personal circumstances" when we actually mean a health incident or a family crisis. We leave out the human bits. Nobody has ever told me to do that, but apparently that's what I learned "professional" has to sound like.

My client and I finished the call twenty minutes early and were both looking forward to the next one.

🎤 Waiting for you on the Unprofessionalism podcast:

One word was a small thing to go first with. Amar Dhall works with people going first on something far more expensive: what if the first question after something goes wrong wasn't "whose fault is this?" but "what could I have done differently?"

It sounds generous until we try it in a room where nobody else has moved. Going first means being the one who visibly failed, in front of people who have conceded nothing. It isn't taking the blame. It's starting with the part of the system we actually have the power to change.

Amar describes preparing two senior leaders for a conversation neither of them wanted, one in the C-suite and one a step below, working with each of them separately from a position of full responsibility. Their views stayed irreconcilable. The relationship got stronger anyway.

He taught law for years before training as a psychotherapist, having decided he couldn't understand law without understanding people. He now works with executives on what happens in the body when the pressure is on.

🎧 Click here to listen to the interview

📥 Download my 1-page summary

​UP_034_Summary.pdf​

Watch us on Youtube

I heard from a few followers that they missed the Youtube videos of my interviews, so let's bring them back:

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That's it from my side. I hope to see you next week!

Myriam